1-7-07
Pizza picture disk vinyl is on sale! It's SOOOOOOOO cool. Go to the LIF Records website to buy it. That's the only place you can get it. There are only 550 so don't mess up!
9-3-06
OK now I can tell you.
Haha I made a new webpage! Jose Gonzalez rules!!!! Thanks Danielle! Pizza is
coming out September 5th on CD in every store in the world. I just got started
on the vinyl so it should be about 5 weeks before that makes it out. But we will
let you know. The pizza boxes are going to look REAL. On the real.We're going to
limit the vinyl to 500 copies, so keep checking back, cause when they go on sale
they're going to go fast. I think they're gonna be sort of expensive but who
cares? You won't be quick enough to get one anyway. We'll only be selling them
through our label (still picking a name) and the Merchnow site
(www.merchnow.com/horsetheband)
Sounds of the Underground was fun. We are
really tan now. Gwar killed me and Dash at the end of it on stage. Cannibal
Corpse dedicated "Fucked with a Knife" to us and women! That is the definition
of success. Corpsegrinder dedicating a song to you. You guys in bands should all
just give up... Just stop right now because that is NEVER going to happen to
you.
Warped tour was fun too. The funnest part of Warped Tour was looking
at the other bands. Sometimes it is hard to believe how many douchebags there
are in the world. Most of them are in bands on Warped Tour. All the singers of
the bands dress exactly the same and have the exact same haircut. The best part
is when you see a real high profile singer in his designer shades walking around
the bus his label paid for. Then at 2:00 in the afternoon, in the sweltering
heat, you see him and his band of fags dressed up in jeans with their hair done
playing out of a little trailer that gets pulled around by a truck to
approximately 47 people, that is called the Ernie Ball stage. Then he is on his
sidekick later. But everyone knows. 47 people dawg.
A favorite pasttime
that everyone loves is to ride motorcycles at Warped Tour through the buses at
night. There was this one fucking DORK who rode his gay yellow motorcycle around
the buses all night every night. He was like look at me I have a mini motorcycle
and I'm backstage at Warped Tour EVERY FUCKING NIGHT for 3 hours. I don't even
know what band he was in, but he definitely wins Biggest Douche of the Summer
Award. Next year I am going to shoot him with a shotgun. He even surpassed the
"Biggest Douche, 2004" from Iowa who was telling me Norma Jean's guarantee and
how he personally knew the dudes in "Personal Mistake" and what great dudes they
were, the greatest guys ever, really great dudes. Other highlights were dipping
the stick in the Portopotty residue every night and then rubbing traces of feces
all over all of Halifax's stuff when they weren't around (we were sharing a
bus). Man we got them so many times and never even told them.
Chiodos
also kicked me out of their autograph line after I waitied in it for 40 minutes.
FUSE even got a shot of me hyperventilating and almost fainting cause I was so
excited to meet their keyboardist while I was in line. He is sooooooo good! I
had a Cutsman shirt for them to sign. We still tricked them though and got
someone else to make them sign it. But for some reason they wrote HORSE the gay
on it.
Fucking Chiodos. They never got Fucked with a Knife dedicated to
them. They probably got a Motion City Soundtrack song dedicated to them called
"Sorry for Never Writing Back (PS- I Miss You)" or some gay crap.
The
tour with Dragonforce and All That Remains starts in 4 days or something. I
think a lot of the shows are already sold out. Good thing Dragonforce put us on!
Besides that, it will probably be the last time you see us unless we do
something short in the winter, which we probably won't cause I hate winter. But
we're going to write a new album (in the winter) and record it hopefully by
March. It is going to be the best album ever. It isn't going to sound like Pizza
or the Mechanical Hand, it is going to sound better, with better parts that you
can't even conceive of! And we are going to take it to the next level, if you
can even believe that. No way are we going to puss out like the new Senses
Fail!!!!! Man I was really bummed on how there was NO SCREAMING AT ALL. I was
REALLY looking forward to that record. What a bunch of vaginas!!!!
So
after we write that, our breakthrough record, and we begin our career defining
moment, we are going to do a North American headlining tour playing all your
favorites from R. Borlax and the Mechanical Hand, and even Pizza and a couple of
new songs. That will be in March. It will be our tour, it will be cheap, and in
good smaller fun places, with really good opening bands, and you are all going
to lose your minds and we will playing for 80 minutes every night. And when I
say North American, I mean USA #1, Fucking Mexico #2, and Canada. But mark my
words we are coming to Mexic O and we are coming to SEVERAL cities, including
the baddest motherfucker of them all CIUDAD MEXICO. We are going to rock your
Mexican balls off of your frijoles and show you what complete pussies other
bands are, and our van is going to get stolen, no insurance, our organs will get
cut off and we will wake up in a Igloo cooler in Acapulco on the beach and eat
mangoes with you tilwe die 15 minutes later!!!!!!!!!! We are coming!!!!!!!!!!!!
USA, MEXICO, FUCKING I CANT BELIEVE IT BUT YES EVEN CANADA! We are coming. Mark
my words.
Oh and we replaced our old drummer Eli with our new drummer
Chris Prophet, a child prodigy. He learned all our songs in 2 weeks for this
Dragonforce tour, so come say hi to him. I know you all want to know the dirt on
Eli and what led to our (not his) decision. Well, fuck you.
8-30-06
We did a lot this summer! I will have to tell you about it later.
6-3-06
Scum. We left that tour because we ate really, really, really good pizza in Lou Malnati's in Chicago with Dave's grandparents. The pizza was such that we were inspired by God to write music of the kind not heard in this world since Mozart was fed his first currywurst. A copy of Nietzsche's "The Gay Science" was onhand and for 2 days we struggled with the question posed in "the Greatest Weight" passage, which follows. In essence, it asks the reader to examine their every action if they had to repeat their lives exactly for all eternity, begging "the question in each and every thing, "Do you desire this once more, and innumerable times more?"
We couldn't decide if we should stay in Chicago and keep eating pizza for the rest of our lives. But after two days of rigorous theory, we realized we had to write divine music about the pizza. We decided to drive home immediately and write and record a 5-song EP called "Pizza" before Sounds of the Underground and Warped Tour started. God was there.
Some tentative songs are "Crippled by Pizza", "Werepizza" (like a werewolf but just a kid with really bad acne whose face looks like pepperoni pizza), "Pizzarrhea in the Pizzaria", "Antipizza" (pizza made out of antimatter), and "Pizza Knife" (the heavy song). Also we will include our cover of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme before Evergreen Terrace starts playing it and because the turtles love pizza. And we might put a song on there called "I Ate Her Pussy Like a Pizza". And "Hold the Anchovies duuuuuuude!"
We're gonna release a CDEP and vinyl. The super limited vinyl edition will come on a 10" pizza-shaped picture disc (the picture is going to be pizza) and will come in a personal pizza take out box. Also the record will be edible. Haha. No, just fooling guys!!! We won't be taking pre-orders for these, we are going to organize a fighting tournament to see who gets them so all you pussy ass record traders on vivalapussy.org won't have a chance at these. Also they are going to be EXPENSIVE as fuck so you won't want to buy two, and we will make the money off of them, not you. They will also be the first release on our label, Kangarooster Records.
And I am setting aside 5 copies for the upstate New York scene because we are such assholes for cancelling two shows there in one year. Oh wait no, I'm not. Handle it, upstate New York. Where the fuck were you when we played in Oswego and Syracuse? Sucking on your mommy's titties probably... Oh slam.
To help us write the album you should send us pizza. Look into it at Lou Malnati's To go and if you are ready to make the commitment email us (horsetheband@hotmail.com) and we'll give you an address to send the pizza to. We prefer Cheese and Sausage, or Cheese and Spinach. And don't fuck around with the ones that only feed 2 people. If you send us pizza before we are done recording this we will thank you on the menu that comes with the pizza vinyl.
"The Greatest Weight" - What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you in your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence—even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again—and you with it, speck of dust!"— Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: "You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine!" If this thought gained possession of you, it would change you as you are or perhaps crush you; the question in each and every thing, "Do you desire this once more, and innumerable times more?" would lie upon your actions as the greatest weight! Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?
4-30-06
I think the biggest news is the name change of Combat Records. Combat Records dropped At All Cost and Look What I Did and now we are the only band on Conbat Records. Since we are, we call the shots now and decided the label is called Cat Records now (like the animal the cat) but the logo stays the same.
We are coming out with an energy drink called "Combat Records' Energy Drink" to earn some extra $$$ for the label so we can sign Baroness. The slogan of the energy drink will be printed on all the cans and narrowly beat out the runner up "REAL FUCKIN' NICE..." The slogan is:
"KOCH Records is a division of KOCH Entertainment, the fastest-growing music company and the market leader among independents in North America. The KOCH Entertainment corporate umbrella encompasses the KOCH Records label, KOCH Vision home video, KOCH Music Publishing and KOCH Entertainment Distribution with operations in both the U.S. and Canada. KOCH Records proudly claims the largest number of Billboard charting albums among independents for each of the last four years (2001-2004)."
The drink is going to be purple. Also it is going to combine Gatorade and Powerade, Propel, Red Bull, Starbucks Double Shot, Starbucks Frappucino, Excedrin, and No Doz and JOLT! cola and MDX Mountain Dew and AMP and regular Mountain Dew put together and Rock Star Energy Drink mixed together with LOST? Energy Drink and LOST? Juicer Juicy Energy Drink and SOBE Monster Energy Elixir and 50 Cent Vitamin Water flavor because it is pruple. Also Airborne and Emer'gen-C.
Also on the commercial there will be a guy and he SLAMS a whole can down in 6 seconds and then jumps through the ceiling of his house. As it shatters the camera zooms through the hole and he is standing on the roof with veins popping out everywhere. He puts the can in his mouth sideways and bites it in half. Then he says the thing about KOCH entertainment corporate umbrella in the micro machines voice and his eyeball is pulsating and a guy on a huge hot gren monster truck that says "BIGFOOT X" jumps over his house, which is actually built on a dormant volcano that happens to start erupting again at that very second. A tank shoots his house but you see the hot lava melt the tank bullet because his house is already BURNT. Then the guy gets killed by shrapnel but the camera zooms into his nostril shows the party is his stomach which is full of ALIENS surfing around in Combat Records' Energy Drink. This is because on the logo for Cat Records a cat is biting a tank in half, so it draws a parallel perspective to that logo when he bites in half the can for the energy drink, for brand recognition.
3-7-06
We are back from the United Kingdom and we met two new interesting people the whole time we were there. One was named "Lee". When people wanted to talk to him they would say the sound "Lee" and he would talk to you. He is from Kent. The other one was named Simon. He had brown hair.
Tour was horrible. Even though almost every single show was sold out, you tire quickly of that kind of success and it leaves you with an empty feeling. The only thing that kept us going was trashing the Final Sigh's dressing room every night and then blaming it on them on stage. Also crossing out everything that any band had ever written or drawn in dressing rooms was fulfilling, at best. We have a new message board that works. Whatever.
2-11-06
Oh my God!!!!!!! We finally found our Christmas song. It's called "A Partridge". Like "and a partridge in a pear tree." I don't know what we are going to do with it. Maybe we will put it on a 7" with a new special cover we are learning for England. That is a secret too. Basically, you get to read about everything but you will never get to hear it. Ahahahahahhahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!
Who thinks we should go on tour with the Aquabats?
2-11-06
VH1 did a Making the Video for our Lord Gold Throneroom shoot. You can check it out here.
1-31-06
Ha there is some funny garbage about this one time we tried to kill Elijah Wood in this month's AP. It's the one with 4 gays on the cover. Look for the Rest Stop section. Also I found out today our CD is available in Indonesia, Japan, and South Africa!!! In Indonesia it has gone Bamboo. That is 1,000,000 units over there. The next step is Crippling STD which is 2,000,000.
Also in case you missed it we are "Band of the Year, 2005".
Finally, we will be shooting a video for Lord Gold Throneroom on Tuesday because our management has officially gone insane. This has been a long time coming, the first manifestation of their illness was signing us and actually allocating a part of their budget for our ideas. Then sending hundreds of cryptic emails that only say "Hooker" in the body or "Real fuckin nice." They sit in their office in New Jersey and think of the most retarded ideas and of course we will do them, then they are like on the speakerphone in their conference room going, "Yeah get Horsey on the phone. Yeah we are cutting the check for $20,000 right now, just hire a producer and send us the racist video that we want horseface." (UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER AND NOISES OF CHAIRS FALLING OVER)
1-24-06
OK just kidding. I am slowly redoing the site. And we are going to England in
the middle of February for 13 shows. Then we are going on tour with Poison the
Well. Holy crap. Also David got a new guitar. Someone stole his purple Carvin
in Nashville. If you know who did that please tip us anonymously with a location
of the guitar now and we will reward you handsomely. Very handsomely...if you
also don't mind your friend dying. We will post pictures.
It is cold in Canada. One time in Edmonton it was like 9. That is cold to me.
I had to go to Tim Horton's and get hot chocolate and then the cup froze in my
hand on the way back to the venue and I dropped it and it shattered on the ground
and I had to saw off my foot. We never realized that winter was an actual thing
that people have to cope with, like, putting clothes on, driving on ice, driving
through snow, freeways being closed. All in all I think winter is pretty stupid.
Also Chris is stupid because he fell down the most times.
Birdo is on On Demand now. We're gonna sell our trailer soon. It's 5x8, so if
you're interested and can come get it in LA email us. Until we go to England we
are going to learn to cover some really dumb songs!!!! Then we will play them
as encores there. Until you get to hear those you should listen to Baroness exclusively.
Tomorrow we are going to do a photo shoot for an ad or something and we are going
to dress like you guys if you were crossed with straight, good-looking people.
I have to go to Mervyn's and buy some LEIs.
1-23-06
Well it has been four months and three days since your last dose of reality dawg.
We sold out of our first pressing of DVDs, so we are releasing a second edition!
The special feature is that we won't let our cat scratch all of them before we
send them to you. So much has happened that there isn't even a point in telling
you. You wouldn't even recognize us on the street anymore. We all stopped talking
to all of our old friends because we are too cool for them now. Our new cool friends
are way cooler than them anyway so who cares? Don't worry DAWG, it's cool. You'll
give us another chance when our superficial world crashes down around us. Thanks
for keeping it real. We're gonna go listen to ourselves on XM now though and eat
the USDA's coveted prime rating steak.
9-20-05
AND GOD WEPT TEARS OF SHIMMERING SORROW.
Behold!!!!!
A new dawn creeps up from the corners of a stale and hopeless sky. THEMECHANICALHAND
is born. It is the right of passage each of you must face. BUY OUR NEW CD!!!!!!!
It is forged in the skin of dead gods and the womb of a genetically altered
WHOOORE!!!!! This is what you've been fucking begging for since your first wet,
mewling inception!!!!! I would tell you that its available almost anywhere but
that would be a second-hand decption passed to us and then again to you. It
is your most vigilante duty to scour your dirty, filth-infested hometowns to
find THEMECHANICALHAND. If you cannot find it you will drive or take the bus
or run really fast thru the night to another location and continue to try until
you are rewarded with our warm blessing of sounds of such magnitude that it
will beyond your silly comprehension. It will be a rewards of nothingness!!!!!
You will sit still in a silent room under the power of a spinning cd whose true
majesties you feel not only in your bones but in.. your...veRY.....SOUUUUUULLLLSSS!!!!
Either that or order it online.
To support this feat of the heavens we will embrak (the new way to say embark)
on a GREAT FUCKING TOUR GUYS!!!! Starting lets say........ummmm..... NOVEMBER
1st. Write that one down. This year is the year that we tour to assasinate all
those who emailed us one day after we played thier town last year begging for
us to come play thier towns. SDLKGJLYH.. GAK~!!!!
Also, we are so fucking hollywood that we have THREE music videos coming. THATS
RIGHT SCAB-EATER. THREE! ONE FORGED IN THE FIRES OF CANADA IN THE SPIRIT OF
FUN AND FREEDOM for our anthem of schitzophrenialsdklk A MILLION EXPLODING SUNS.
A HUGE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE PRODUCTION written and directed by RON HOWARD of
apollo 13 fame for now-instant neo-classic BIRDO!!! and finally nathans little
brother is making a video for THE HOUSE OF BOO with two VCR's and a light brite.
It will be on adult swim between episodes of aqua fag and kamasutra. And if
all of this was'nt enough there will be CD RELEASE SHOWS!!! Thats right. The
shows will be so intense they will be in all caps. I dont know if any of your
were into us back when r.borlax came out. most of those fans are either dead
or christian now but our CD RELEASE SHOWS hurt kids. They hurt kids real bad.
Check our shows section or myspace page for a molestation near you.
Well, thats about all folks.........no wait. There was somthing else.
OH YES!!!! MERRY X-MAS!!!
THIS CHRISTMAS WE WILL BE ON THE TASTE OF CHAOS TOUR CHRISTMAS SAMPLER CALLED
"Taste of Christmas" or somthing equally ridiculous to swindle kids out of thier
money. We get nothing from it so we arent responsible for anything. like usual.
But there will be a BRAND NEW SONG FROM HORSE THE BAND. That is sure to become
an instant holiday classic. And if HORSE the band says its going to be a holiday
classic then you can already lock yourself in your room because you know your
parents will after you play it on christmas morning and your little sister starts
singing "FIVE GOLDEN RINGS........four pulsing boners.....three jiggling********
.....anyway you get it. (probably not.) Ok, my all black gangbang video just
finished downloading so im out. k-bye
p.s-nathan started an awesome cult!!! FOR REALS!!!! visit the first church of
the mechanical hand on myspace.com. asta.
7-17-05
The Year of Our Lord, 2005, we are playing at the Troubador tonight. This means
we have really made it. This is the final sign. Our attorney, owner of our former
label (it's an indie label), photographer, and someone else important I can't
remember are all to be put on the guest list. In a year of disease, strife, unrest,
and toil the likes of which we had never before encountered, we prevail by being
asked to play the Troubador in West Hollywood, and then chilling in Puerto Rico
(translation Rich Port) for 4 days with Mexicans.
Puerto Rico is going to be so fucking awesome. It is a rich port with a bunch
of Mexicans and white sand beaches and beautiful pool water instead of ocean water
in the beach. There is a rain forest there and also the "Phosphorescent Beach"
where phosphorescent plankton swim at night and make the water glow. One of the
Super Mario Kart tracks was actually BASED ON Puerto Rico. There is also a Spanish
fortress called Morro fortress guarding the bay of San Juan. Not like you knew
that. None of you know. None of you idiots have EVER been there and you will never
go there for that matter. None of you know what it is LIKE. None of you have been
to half the places we have been.
Dash says there are 10 hurricanes lined up to strike Puerto Rico the week we are
there. Who cares? Maybe Dash.
Eli's hair is really long and poofy. Dash has been drinking two tall cans a day.
I lived in Utah the last 3 weeks with my beautiful girlfriend. David is REALLY
pissed and made a DVD for us. Nathan squandered his tour earnings in one week
buying $600 worth of toys on ebay. Sarah has been drinking a bottle of vodka every
3 days and has finished the pilot for her new reality show, "Melrose Place, West
Covina".
Oh yeah we uploaded two new songs onto www.Myspace.com off The Mechanical Hand.
They are called Birdo and the Black Hole. As if you didn't know. Like, we were
sitting around, and we were like, should we announce that we have two new songs?
And I was like, I would have to double click on Internet Explorerr icon and NO
then we forgot and drank a cold one in honor of Ali. It didn't matter. You have
all heard the songs and they are the two best songs you have probably ever heard
in your life.
We are going on tour. Also we're playing Hellfest and if our record label has
some balls we'll probably be flown out to CMJ in September. Yeeeeaaaaah first
class bitch plus two nights hotel. Chillin'.
We are going to have a DVD of last summer's 3 month tour with us on this tour.
We made it ourselves and it is better than any DVD you have ever seen. It is temporarily
instead of the tour journal so you know how funny it is going to be to watch that
much anal play.
Also just so you guys know, we cancelled part of our tour without telling any
of the promoters because we thought it would be a funny joke. If you hate us you
are right. You SHOULD hate us, because we were mean to you for no reason.
WATCH THE VIDEO ON OUR FRONT PAGE AND THEN DONATE TO OUR PAYPAL!
5-28-05
We are in Seattle right now, recording with Matt Bayles and hoping for death.
We destroyed our hotel room like rock stars but you are going to have to read
just a little bit more before you get to know about that. Recording with Matt
Johnson has been such a trying, horrible experience. Eli couldn't take it and
left this morning. Actually last night he got really drunk because our manager,
Tim Smith was in town and bought us $69 worth of alcohol at a Belgian beer store.
We went to McDonald's on the way back to our hotel and Eli threw up in the drive
thru line three times. Then he got to the hotel and threw up all over the toilet.
Then he was walking around in his underwear and I saw all these pimples on his
butt and he passed out on the bed at 3:00 am like a vermin. He had to get up to
drive to the airport at 4 am. His stupid cell phone alarm started going off before
I fell asleep so while it was ringing I put it on his neck. He couldn't hear it
so I put it on his ear. Somehow it stopped going off after that so I fell asleep.
At 7:30 Eel woke up and said "Shit I have missed my flight." He stepped on Dave's
stomach while he was sleeping and ran out of the room. He drove to the airport.
Now Eli is gone.
The other night me and Nathan and Danielle and Mike B were out and about and Dash
and Eli stayed at the hotel. The whole morning we were like, why didn't Eli and
Dash come with us to see the Seattle Space Needle and other attractions? We came
back in the middle of the day and opened up the door to the room and Eli was just
DRILLING Dash on the bed. We were like holy garbage and Eli and Dash were really
surprised and Eli jumped off Dash and said, "Chillin'" and put his hand behind
his head and leaned back. Dash was like "What?! You don't know me." Well, we didn't
know they were HOMOSEXUAL together. It was just sort of weird, but it's cool.
My girlfriend Danielle came to visit us for our birthdays last week and I had
a surprise birthday party for her in our hotel room. Needless to say, it's a long
story involving a police investigation but by the end of the 15 minute party the
fire sprinkler was ripped completely out of the ceiling and we flooded our hotel
room and two others, causing $5000 of damage. We'll have a video up on the site
soon because I know you idiots don't believe anything in this news update but
it is ALL true. Matt Johnson got mad at us and Tim Smith also didn't believe that
we trashed a hotel room, but we did it. Also I had just bought an 18 pack of Bud
Light and after the sprinkler busted I panicked for REAL and threw it over our
3 story hotel balcony into the dark woods full of nettles below for absolutely
no reason. It was the most awesome thing I have ever done in my life. We are opening
a Paypal relief fund and it will be up the same time as the video. Until then
you should buy our merch http://www.merchnow.com/horsetheband.
There will be even more stuff up soon.
Today me, Dave, and Tim Smith went swimming with dogs in a lake and then I inadvertantly
flashed some children while I was changing in bushes. I have been tanning a lot.
Matt Johnson told us today that our CD is better than Mastadon and Norma Jean's
put together and that we are the most talented band he has ever worked with. Matt
Johnson said that watching me play keyboard made him want to quit his band, Minus
the Dear. We are making friends with so many incredibly famous people and it's
like we don't even care, all of them want to meet US, and we're making such an
awesome album, it's so killer.
4-15-2005
HORSE the band announces the recording of their second full length album, rightfully
entitled "SUPER HORSE the band", scheduled to take place from May 13-June 3rd
in none other than the jewel of the Pacific Northwest (Seattle, Washington) with
the former vampire-turned-producer/engineer/mixer Matt Bayles (Botch, Mastodon,
Murder City Devils, Isis, Blood Brothers, Tragedy). The album is being recorded
for a secret record label and will be released no later than September 1st. A
spokesperson for the band states that they have no comment.
A tentative track listing for "SUPER HORSE the band", expected to clock in at
just under one hour, follows in nearly complete disarray:
Soaring Quails
Taken By Vultures
Heroes Die
Octopus on Fire
Sand
Softer Sounds
Birdo
The House of Boo
A Million Exploding Suns
Lord Gold Throneroom
The Black Hole
Manateen
I Wore Her Pussy Like a Hat
The Mechanical Hand
4-14-2005
CHECK IT OUT we all quit our jobs even Sarah. We are professional musicians. We
are going on tour to Texas in like 4 days. All the dates are on the front page.
I hope you know we are never going to play any of those cities again so you should
come if you live there!
A lot of high profile photographers were supposed to photograph us the last couple
of days including (seriously) David LaChapelle and MichellexStar but it all fell
through. We were supposed to go on tour with Circle Takes the Square and #12 but
Circle couldn't so they fell through. Then we were like, hey let's replace them
with An Albatross. Then they confirmed and then cancelled and that fell through.
Then we were like, hahaha, whoops! At least we still have #12, well. Guess what,
it turns out God constructed the members of the #12 Looks Like You out of the
same material as vaginas and Arby's sandwiches, they are big stinky pussies and
they quit the tour too and won't return the man the myth the legend xEdxEdgex's
phone calls. So that fell through too. I am creating a graphic to help visually
illustrate what big pussies all three of those bands are and I will post it on
the front page of our webpage when we go on that tour in June. The tour is called,
"The Circle Takes the Square, An Albatross, and #12 Looks Like You are all huge
pussies Tour". Ha just kidding guys I would never do that or even use the word
"pussy". It's all good! Keep it real.
By the way Ed Edge was the singer for seminal 80s hardcore band "FINAL EDGE" I
found out, Edge isn't really his last name. It's just like calling me Erik the
band or Jeff the Well or haha you fucking faggot I can't believe you are actually
reading this garbage.
GET A LIFE!!!
Haha just kidding I posted pictures from our show at the Che Cafe, in the media
section, but since you are probably too dumb to find them with that little direction,
here is a link I made especially to them for you. A LINK.
3-21-2005
HEY! I am really angry. Every time I tell you guys a secret you go and f everything
up and tell other people. So here is another one for you wretches. I got an email
from Circle Takes the Square and their drummer did not really quit. And nothing
is going on. So don't email them about it! Don't email them and tell them you
are happy their drummer didn't quit either. Pretend nothing happened. Circle Takes
the Square just couldn't do the tour for various reasons OK?!!!! GOD! You guys
can be so FREAKING ANNOYING@!!!!!! How am I supposed to trust you with information
like we are touring with An Albatross and the #12 Looks Like You in June?
PS I updated the "band" section with new bios for Eel Eye and Dash. Also about
Cnidiarrhea, the reason we put up that picture is because one aspect of each person
looked exactly like the person they were paired with in HORSE the band. Like Liono
looks exactly like Eli except with a cooler hairstyle. Ganglion stands the exact
same creepy way as David. Craig or whatever the fuck his name is Ricky is the
leader like Erik except he weighs more than me. Don't you guys get it?
In conclusion, don't email Circle Takes the Square EVER AGAIN you freaking IDIOTS
because if you make them too angry with us then they will never tour with us.
And they want to right now they just can't yet!!! And we have two shows coming
up in April right before we record our new album. April 8 at Che Cafe in San Diego
and April 10 at the Allen Theatre sort of between LA and OC. We are going to play
a lot of new songs and all the old favorites so you better come!!!! Cnidiarrhea
is opening for us in St Louis this summer! BIGGEST PARTY EVER.
3-3-2005
Heh heh hehehheheheh. AAAAAAAAAAA AHAHAHAhahah. Well well well! A lot of S has
happened recently. A LOT. Mainly my mom has been checking up on us via her web
browser. We say a lot of bad language on this page! Please, please don't read
this update mommy. Please.
OK we have like close to 8 completed songs and then 2 other shorts ones and 3
more developed ideas. All of the songs are named "Piece of S"! Just kidding silly!
I don't care how bad you want to hear the new songs because I am not going to
let you!!! We are recording April either with this one dude or this other dude,
or the guy who recorded Madonna Die Another Day (Japanese Single).
Also, we are doing a very detailed West Coast tour in June with ________ and ______.
Those are effing secrets too. I hate secrets. But last time I let someone know
a secret, Circle Takes the Square's drummer quit and they couldn't do the tour
with us. Yeah I said it, A. Thanks for spilling the beans. You got a lot of people
in the industry P'ed at us.
A terrorist sect called "the Mechanical Hand" held the Kangarooster hostage for
over 4 months. He was recently recovered. This will be chronicled in the Kangarooster
section shortly.
We are going to have a big corporate merch store online at merchnow.com soon too
so you guys can't possibly F it up anymore.
One day we were playing a show in Arizona after a kid had been stabbed to death
at it over one of the subtle points of being straightedge. It was an honorable
death. Since he made out with 3 girls and fingered 1 at the tender age of 16 but
never drank a cold one. Anyway we were playing and there was some sawdust on the
stage. Something happened to Eel Eye's drum and he tried to fix it. He fell off
the stage what a stupid dummy. Then he said something about how his leg hurt.
We called him a P and a big hairy sweaty greasy V and made him finish the set.
The venue turned the lights and PA off though. So we finished the set in the dark
with no vocals and then the next day we played a show in Lake Havasu City and
made Eel Eye play again we called him an L sucker and a P licker V.
One day Eli went to the doctor cause his leg still hurt. It was sort of close
to when he was telling us about how often he was 69ing this girl. Anyway, turns
out, his ankle was broken for 3 months!!! Hahahahahahha what a pussy! OOPS!
Oh yeah hey we have been advised by management to start a daily record of our
activites on the new album. Here goes: "3-2-05 Hey all! Strange weather we've
been having recently! *Chuckles* I just got the new Bjork DVD. What can I say
but amazing? LOL. Last night we ate a pizza and wrote a killer 9/8 breakdown that
goes into this 3/4 thing then when we got home we searched google for ourselves
and did meth casually masturbating while reading a 3 year old interview of us
that we have read at least 70 times before laughing at our own jokes with a live
video of us playing in the window behind that and then finally started concentrating
on the masturbation but couldnt finish up so went to bed."
See you in 3 months
12-22-2004
Weeeooooo weoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe guess what! We got this lockout, it costs $250
a month and it is in this crazy city called Vernon. No one knows where it is but
it is a big city where no one lives. We are writing a new album in the lockout.
That is what we are doing for all of January and February. Then in March we are
going to record the new album somewhere. I knooooooow!
After that we are going on a Midwest/West Coast tour with Circle Takes the Square
and the Number 12 Looks Like You, possibly the most scene tour ever composed.
We might even do the tour longer than that buuuuuuut if you live in a certain
special city and would really like to see this tour email us and we will see if
we can check you out. Also this tour is awesome because it's going to get Chandler
back into booking shows. He doesn't really book shows anymore, but I think he
might make a CERTAIN EXCEPTION for a CERTAIN BAND FROM SAVANNAH GEORGIA RIIIIIIIIGHT
CHANDLER??? So that is way posi that we are getting Chandler back into the scene!
The itinerary will be up in a few days. After this tour basically we are going
to be on tour forever. Then the new record will come out and we will get way more
popular than we are now and our shows will start to suck dick and you won't like
us anymore, but 3 kids that are definitely less cool than you will take your place.
Then we will get on Warped Tour and say some bullshit about how it was what we
originally planned but trust me, we will be totally lying. We will become as big
of a joke as From Autumn to Ashes and you will be embarassed that you ever liked
us. But one thing you can't FUCKING DENY BITCH is that we toured with Circle Takes
the Square (Circle Takes the Square is reading this. Now they are picking up their
phone and asking to be dropped off the tour.) Shit
Hey you Arizona kids sorry about that stabbing, like it wasn't our fault. We had
to eat Burger King in LA at 2 pm before we left for Phoenix so that explains how
come we were 5 hours late for the show. We have important shit to do.
Check it out We had some killer new photo ops and finally you can see pictures
of our new bass player Dash the Sludge Meisterrrrrrrr!!! YEaaaaaa. The Sluuudge
meisterrrrrrrrr wooooooo! Thee Sluuuuuuudge Meeeeiiiiiisterrrrrrrrr yeaaaaaaaaaaa
sucker. Get this for fucking cred, Dash's only shirts are of these bands: Fucking
GRIEF, ASSUCK, EFFING DYSTOPIA, RUDIMENTARY PENI, and EYEHATEGOD. Dash was named
after Lord of the Rings the movie and Han Solo so his real name is Dash Handjobfarto
Arkenstone.
Besides all that the split with Bleeding Kansas is coming out on Tuned to You
Records out of fucking Quebec, Montreal which is run by Pierre-Luc the coolest
guy from Canada in the world. And as an added bonus all the covers are gonna be
silk screened by hand, this is killer news. This vinyl is going to be so fucking
limited we are making them out of Formica and Coreon that shit that counters are
made out of, it's indestructable.
There is some fucking shit up when Lord Gold filled in for me on the keyboard
at SynergyMag. And finally me and Sarah are looking for Sandueche
models/partners so if you like to stick sandwiches all up in your pussy or you
like to eat a bologna sandwich all up out of your GF's pussy send us an email,
we could use you to model for the new website we are creating. If you have any
questions about sandueching in general please hit us with an email we want people
to be safe and informed! Bother Eel Eye on myspace and tell him to scan the tour
pics so I can make the tour journal!! L8-UHSSSSSS
12-8-2004
Being in a band is PRITTY KILLER! We have been doing a lot of cutting.
We also got to see where Eli got to live for one year on a Northern California
tour, it was a nice building in Napa Valley called "Rehab". That night we played
a show in Sacramento buuuuuuuuuuuuut the next day we took a tour of the Jelly
Belly factory!
Check it out. The next weekend we evidently played Barstow, but the only thing
anyone remembers that night is the 360 our truck did on the freeway driving home
through a snowstorm. It is pretty amazing to risk your life doing something you
love (playing to 7 35 year old women at a bar in Barstow, CA when it is 20 degrees
outside) and we think we were glad to have that opportunity. Then THIS WEEKEND
we drove to UTAH and the show was freaking awesome but it got shut down by the
cops. We drank a bottle of vodka that night between the 12 of us. The next night
we partied in Vegas with some freaking hot chicks. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa we got major
slurped. Then we drove home after not sleeping all night and Nathan suffered a
cold.
Anyway we got a new bass player, his name is the Scorpion King.
I started working on the tour journal and mailorder so it should all be done soon!!!!!!!!
We aren't going to play much in January, and probably not at all in February cause
we are writing a new album now and we are supposed to record it by March. Isn't
that cool?
10-24-2004
Check the box! Another of the 3 goals on the charter that we set out to achieve
when we founded the band has been accomplished. #2. Get on polaroidscene.com.
Boy did we ever. If you are pretty killer, then check out the Downtown LA Animal Fuck Party photos. We are close to the bottom,
but also in other places if you look carefully. Check out the phone number on
my hand, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
10-10-2004
Hello there we are back from our tour and none of us died!!! We did lose one member
and seriously feared him and his GF murdered in the slums of Philadelphia but
I am glad to say today we found out he was still alive by calling his mom!!!!!
Andy we are glad you are still alive, we were all worried about you and it made
my sleep very restless last night. I woke up with a headache and had a dream about
you. I am glad you are OK. Nonetheless Andy has opted to fly one way to Philadelphia
spending his last remnants of tour earnings and hope for a new future of happiness
in LA with HORSE the band on that plane ticket, keeping in close touch with his
best friends by sending personal text messages such as "What's up?" on a biweekly
basis. That makes us all very sad and I'm sure a great deal of you "Andy Fans"
out there too! Yes. I'm sure it does. Very very sad, and left feeling confused,
left behind, and tricked because of conversations you had with him while he was
still around confirming definite immediate-future plans of playing shows every
week in the fall and writing and recording a new album by December and him sort
of nodding in agreement... but the sort of legal technicality nod that could be
mistaken for indifference or "not hearing" if it was to be brought up in the future
during an argument. Very tricky Larry H Parker style maneuvers. Yes those sort
of half hearted nods of recognition while remaining quiet and all the while scheming
to leave without saying anything about plans of flying away for 4 months but then
buying a one way plane ticket immediately upon arrival to Utah. I know, it is
sad. And, it could be argued, other members of the band have taken breaks, trips
to Europe, gone to school. This is true. Trips and school sessions that were planned
all in advance, discussed among the band, and carried out during a time when the
band had no opportunities to do anything of note, when the band hadn't even a
real drummer to speak of, when 3/5 of the band was in school full time. Times
now, however, are different. Now is the decided upon time to write the next album,
per discussion on our tour and stated in the contracts, now is the decided upon
time to do weekend tours of all of California and adjoining states! Now is the
time towards which we have worked with great vigor. And now, only the greatest
inquiry posed to the world by the great American poet Langston Hughes remains:
What happens to a dream deferred?
A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Anyway, to all my peeps out there, take time to consider the words my main
man, Langston Hughes, has said. Respect. So for the next few months we are staying
in freaking Hollywood in bars drinking. We are writing a new album, renting the
lockout studio for a house for all of our instruments, moving into new houses
in the trendiest areas of Los Angeles, huffing paint thinner and shoe glue, tutoring
math, and playing shows on the weekends all over the place man! Check out the
shows page for new shows, especially Cattle Decapitation Part 3 at Chain Reaction
November 6th. I think most of you didn't know about our homecoming show and we
only got to play 4 songs, so this can be the real one.
Europe and Mexico were fucking cool!!!!! I am only saying that to let people know
that we travelled to those places and played shows there that we booked by ourself
and used our own money and made so much money that we didnt even have to pay for
anything. Bitch
Too many of you fuckers watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force, that show is a pile of shit
and you should kill yourself if you like it. I am mad at you for letting us stay
at your house if you made us watch that shit.
I'm selling one of my keyboards so get in touch if you want it it has my hair
and sweat all over it (soaringquail@asssnake.com), it is a Korg MS2000B that I
used at 60 shows on tour, I bought it in England and it has played shows in England,
France, Belgium, Germany, and like 54 states. It also has a lot of my hair all
over the inside of it and it is very good, I just don't like what color it is.
I am going to make the tour journal but I need more pictures, so send any pictures
you have of us to horsethebooking@hotmail.com, I will give you credit, it will
be so freaking awesome for your reputation. I can link to your myspace profile
or something, just send in the pictures!!!! And videos, cause we're making a DVD
and it's going to be realllllllllly funny.
We are really recording a new album and it will be out early next year, it's going
to be so sososososososooooo crazy!!!!1 I can't remember anything else.
Please email us if you can set up shows for us in Tijuana, Phoenix, Tucson, Reno,
El Centro, Victorville, San Bernardino, Ventura, San Diego, Sacramento, Santa
Cruz, Salinas, Vacaville, Chico, Riverside, or Barstow. We are going to play all
those places before 2005 yeaaaaaaaaah horsethebooking@hotmail.com
Oh yeah check it we are the featured live band on Metal Injection, it's a real
TV show in New York City that you can watch on the Internet too because of technology.
So if you want to see the worst performance of our tour on the day when we flew
in from London and took a subway to ABC No Rio straight from the airport after
not sleeping for 40 hours and playing without any of our equipment and the keyboard
coming out of the worst sounding bass combo amp ever in a 120 degree oven, check
it out!!! It's killer! http://www.metalinjection.net/ If anything just watch the first
10 seconds where we do the intro to the show in the backyard of ABC No Rio after
41 hours of no sleep after playing the show and we look like the biggest mutants
ever. Especially Dave on the left watch what he says and the face he is making.
It is a funny face. And then watch the intro to the show it has some really dangerous
mosh pits with marine commercial music in the background.
Finally check out this notable live review
from St Louis because the writing is very eloquent and it makes some good points.
L8 UHS!!!!!!!!!!!
XGrundleSnakeX: 6-15-04
XGrundleSnakeX: Dear Festering Pig Bladders,
XGrundleSnakeX: This is the dark one, thats right... Satan.
XGrundleSnakeX: And Eriks new escapade into the wilds of holland and other latent
Eurotrash cities of drug abuse and mixed feelings on ones sexuality.
XGrundleSnakeX: has rendered him unable to update the website.
XGrundleSnakeX: Unfortuneatly for you girls out there, Erik chipped his front
teeth on an erect phallus.. while practicing moves for his new friend "Brandon"
XGrundleSnakeX: ( Oh ya, dave you can make little fixes to this to make it more
"appropriate" or grammatically correct.. or just simply so it makes more sense
or flows better)
XGrundleSnakeX: acutally
XGrundleSnakeX: take out Brandon... and add "Klaus"
XGrundleSnakeX: or "Felix"
XGrundleSnakeX: ok back to it...
XGrundleSnakeX: So while the rest of Horse the band labors away in the "2004 Duck
Cunt Hunt Tour" dungeon, I Satan, am branding their undergrundles with hot iron
and bailing wire, ensuring that the torture is maximized. All the while, Erik,
the founding father, and "the cute one" is spending all of the fresh merch order
money on "H" and "Felix and his friends" in a trendy night club called "S.A.C.K."
in uptown Prague.
XGrundleSnakeX: (are you still there dave?)
XGrundleSnakeX: Dave?
XGrundleSnakeX: hahah
XGrundleSnakeX: should I keep going?
Ma V E nJones: yes
XGrundleSnakeX: ohhh hahah
XGrundleSnakeX: ok
XGrundleSnakeX: So in the spirit and celebration of Erik's departure...I, the
Son of the Morning, have purchased 4 souls from the "trendy" new act (aka Horse
the Bizzle) which has ensured them:
A. The new horrifying man, Eli, who has taken full control of drumsets and having
wild sex sessions with the concubines.
B. A successful new music video WATCH IT NOW!!!!!!, soon to be aired on BET and the WB. and
C. Actually being able to go on tour. Oh yes.. and for special good measure...
I personally ensured:
D. Erik's expiremental "tantric sex with shady individuals" has remained STD free...
so a big round of applause for our boy...
5-7-2004
Friends! I have some fantastic news for you! Your hard work, phone calls, emails,
and sponsorships have paid off. AIDS is cured! NO! Andy did mailorder!!!!!! Your
money has been vindicated! It is now safe to order again. So order, Andy felt
horrible and overhauled his whole way of living and image, he is also vegan now,
gay, and straightedge studying design, hair, and photography, getting into the
Magnetic Fields and Swans, learning how to screenprint and stencil spray paint
his own clothing on the side (how fucking original!) and has slowly faded out
his main interest from pirates, dinosaurs, and ninjas (totally 2001) to wizards,
cooking people in ovens, and Satan. So basically he is about the coolest you can
get for May 2004!!!! Good job you guys! ;)
5-1-2004
We have some new shows. We don't have a new drummer though yet. But maybe some
day we will. Also we are still going on tour this summer for 3 months.
And Andy still hasn't done mailorder. He lied to us, and all of you. It makes
everyone very sad. We vested a lot of trust into Andy after his big talk. :_-(
I can't believe that Andy is a liar and a thief! But I have to come to accept
it. It is very sad isn't it? Maybe you should call him if he owes you merch and
time, and ask him, "Andy, why did you steal my money and make me feel sad about
something that I like, and wanted to share my happiness for with you, by sending
you money in exchange for a product that I wear only to promote your band? Why
did you do that to me? Don't you care about other people and keeping your promises,
Andy? Don't you care about other people Andy? (repeat this last line several times
as you trail off into a hopeless depression)" Just read that message into his
voicemail. (310-694-4017) Even if you didn't order anything, because it is the
principle of the matter.
3-18-2004
For the 6th time this year we are looking for a drummer. I'm sick of typing this
shit, this is for real, this is the last time.
MERIT BADGE REQUIREMENTS:
0. Be amazing at drums, like, not just OK, or, you could fake the songs. Be fucking
amazing with no doubt in your mind. If you lie to us about your ability we WILL
find a suitable punishment for you in our travels about the country.
1. Be able to tour, like, constantly, forever. Live in LA when you are not on
tour. When you are on tour, don't smoke cigarettes, and don't be a FUCKING PUSSY,
I don't care about your day or your cell phone or if you couldn't sleep last night.
No practicing drums in the van either.
2. FREAAAAKK OUTTT, hit harder than above-average, don't be a fucking PUSSY
3. Be nice and energetic and fun. No Serious Samanthas
4. Be very funny, where you are not the only person who thinks you are funny.
5. Don't be addicted to the Internet
6. No mutants or cretins.
6. No low lifes with no friends, no myspace lurks
6. No fucking hot shots
6. No having a girlfriend SEE ALSO don't be a FUCKING PUSSY.
OK, that's all, In case you haven't seen our tour journal, being in this band
is the best thing possible, in humanity. If yuo are a fuckup you are not allowed
to ruin our happy unicorn meadow and we are not going to let you in. If you are
a fun person who wants to have happy fun and feelings for the rest of your life
then email us at horsetheband@angelfire.com to try
out. Also, Just cause you say you want to try out we aren't going to send you
a CD for free Oliver Twist. If you want to try out and you don't have our cd,
buy our cd or download it and learn the songs. It is a good way to make a impressIVE
impressION. No wait, if you don't already have the CD then don't try out for drummer,
that is a new rule. Also, the whole mean tone of this is a joke. We are all reallllllly
nice people and we love you.
OK TOUR!!!, so we are going to England this summer for 10 dates, and possibly
more of Europe and also the whole US, and Canada, and some of Mexico. I will post
an itinerary thingyy and more about that in a couple of days, but start emailing
horsethebooking@hotmail.com if you
can set up a show for us or want us to play somewhere specific!!!! Also, drummers,
if you join, that is where you get to go this summer. Don't be a dummy
3-12-2004
So, DMC from Run DMC was a the show last night. That's what happens when we play
Hollywood. This is a review of it with neat pictures.
3-7-2004
HEY WHALE SHIT, YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU HEARD OF US 2 MONTHS AGO THAT WEH AVE
NEVER ELFT CALIFORNIA. WE WERE TOURING THE CONTINENT OF NORTH AMERICA BEFORE YOUR
COOL FRIEND EVEN HEARD OF DONNIE DARKO YOU PREGNANT ORPHAN. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP
WE'LL BE IN YOUR CITY SOON AND GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COME TO THE SHOW
ANYWAY, LIKE ALWAYS. SO EAT MY SHIT.
Oh yeah so I Was surfing the WWW tonight and came upon the most horrendous song
I have ever heard in my life. It's so bad that it's actually enjoyable to listen
to check it out, Remembering Never's new song about Dead Cold Hands or some shit.
It's on lamgboat. It's like ridiculous. (Somewhere in Florida, a member of Remembering
Never is reading the HORSE the band webpage. He is thinking about his life. "But
wait... I bought R. Borlax. . . (30 second pause) . . Cutsman....is my .. FAVORITE
SONG!!1" A single tear crashes down his cheek.)
Don't forget to come to the Daughters show on the 11th, it's in CALIFORNIA. WE
ARE PLAYING A LOT OF SHOWS IN CALIFORNIA SOON, AWESOME HUH! INCLUDED IN THE LIST
OF PLACES WE ARE NOT PLAYING SHOWS SOON ARE FLORIDA, NEW JERSEY, AND CANADA. HOW
DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? CHECK ME OUT
3-3-2004
New buttons, new super limited inside-out flourescent blue hulk shirt, new hoodies!!!!
3-2-2004
THIS IS BIG NEWS THIS IS URGENT! IF YOU EVEN CLOSE TO LIKE THIS BAND YOU HAVE
TO SEE WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING IN THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM LATELY! WATCH THESE IN
ORDER FOR A PROFOUNDLY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE, I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. THANKS TO
BIMAL FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION!!
MARIO BROTHERS PART
1
MARIO BROTHERS
PART 2
MARIO BROTHERS PART 3
2-11-2004
Hey dummies I like completely redid the Media section. It is almost all done except
a couple of the pictures don't work but most of them do. There is so much new
fun stuff for you!
Also we are going to be on a British TV show about video games and they are going
to film us going xtreme clubbing in Koreatown on Feb 21 and DO NOT COME TO KOREATOWN
THAT NIGHT, you will ruin our interview.
So yeah we totally have some shows coming up. See you
1-something-04
Last night was an amazing night for me. I went to the Echo in Echo Park. A couple
of weeks ago I realized that everyone cool in Los Angeles moved to Silverlake,
Echo Park, and Koreatown, in that order of coolness. My wife is not really pregnant.
In fact I am not married. MMMmmmm I think we are in Terrorizer this month.
We are out of pins but I'm making new ones and a new sticker and a sweater and
a new shirt and a canvas tote bag and tattoos. We have some shows coming up. Oh
yeah our Winter Tour was amazing, we spent a shitload of money we made off merch
and Alex was doing cocaine the whole time. It's amazing what happens when you
give a 17 year old that much cocaine. Maybe I will make another tour journal.
So, in conclusion, don't order pins, and watch out for snakes.
12-25-03
AH it's Christmas! For your Christmas present we are going on tour. We go on tour
tomorrow. Go to the shows section for the little list of cities we will be descending
upon. Sorry for the short notice. I have been in a REALLY CRAZY mood lately and
I don't have time for this "Internet" bullshit!!!! Oh yeah, my wife is pregnant.
So anyway besides that I've been doing this job tagging furniture at the CalTrans
District 7 Headquarters on First and Spring in downtown LA. Yeah, it's pretty
cool, I walk around with the palm device and a nice man named Larry and he puts
stickers on the furniture and tells me what kind of a furniture it is and then
I write down in the Palm Device that furniture's bar code number and what Larry
said it was and we do that for all the floors in two buildings, and let me tell
you, there is a SHITLOAD of furniture! YEP! Sometimes we get really crazy and
do like 300 pieces in an hour. Larry also told me about jail and being Mexican
or black. Mexicans and blacks hate eachother. Especially the further east into
the Inland Empire you go. Let me tell you about what to do if you ever find yourself
in jail. Picture this, motherfucker jumps you on the street and you're really
getting your ass beat, you're on the ground, and there's a piece of pipe. You
hit the bitch to save yourself, cops come, and bust both of you cause you used
the fuckin' pipe. Bam you're in jail until you can get cleared. So what do you
do? Basically you tell the cops you're on medication, like Prozac, so you can
go to the special floor where the people are who take medication are, cause it's
not as dangerous up there. BUT, even there sometimes shit goes down, So say a
black and a mexican are fighting, and the mexican is gay, (a fagxican), oh wait,
that's besides the point, so wait, say it's one on one.... you don't do shit.
But say it's a group or two on one or some shit, or a whole grip of people start
fighting, you gotta run in there and fight for your fuckin race. Or else you'll
be a little bitch or a pussy. And once they find out about that is when they start
raping you or you become someone's little bitch. If anyone ever gives you shit,
you hold your head up high and stand tall and get in their face and say, "FUCK
you". Not "Fuck YOU", because you're not trying to emphasize that you want that
specific person to get fucked, that's taken for granted, what you really want
is to say FUCK to the person giving you shit as the action you want to be done
to him, instead of another action such as "caress". Larry also told me the difference
between blacks and mexicans but it is not something I should repeat.So when we
are tagging furniture we often get into enthralling, real conversations about
real, true, from the heart racial issues in contemporary Los Angeleno society
11-29-03
HEY BUTT WHOLES. THE DRUMMER SEARCH IS COMING QUITE NICELY WE HAVE FOUND A LOT
OF DRUMMERS AND HAVE BEGUN THE EXAMINATION PROCESS OF THEM BUT THE POSITION IS
STILL OPEN AT LEAST FOR A FEW MORE DAYS SO IF YOU WANNA MAKE A LAST DITCH EFFORT
GO FOR IT.
IN OTHER NEWS I HAVE HAD MONO FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS AND IT'S NOT SHOWING ANY
SIGNS OF LETTING ME CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE IN A NORMAL MANNER SO I DECIDED IF
I STILL HAVE A FEVER 1 WEEK FROM TODAY I WILL KILL MYSELF AND MOST LIKELY HORSE
THE BAND WILL BREAK UP UNLESS THAT GAY SHOWOFF GUY FROM CHILDREN OF BODOM WANTS
TO JOIN. HE PROBABLY WOULD. WHAT A DOUCHE.
FINALLY IN THE HEAT OF MY TWO WEEK FEVER I COMPLETED OUR TOUR JOURNAL WHICH IS
UP HERE AND FEATURES SOME OF THE MOST STUNNING PHOTOGRAPHY OF HORSE
THE BAND EVER TAKEN BROKEN APART BY COMIC GEMS. IF YOU WANT TO SEE GOOD PICTURES
OF US GO HERE. THE ONES IN THE MEDIA SECTION ARE LIKE A TOTAL JOKE COMPARED
TO THIS SHIT.
ALRIGHT FINALLY WE HAVE 3 SHOWS COMING UP IN DECEMBER ASSUMING MY MONO GOES AWAY.
THOSE ARE ON THE SHOWS PAGE OVER THERE TO THE LEFT OVER THERE AND WE ARE PLAYING
A REAL VENUE FOR ONE OF THEM, SOMETHING THAT HAS ONLY HAPPENED LIKE TWICE IN HORSE
THE BAND HISTORY.
FINALLY, ME AND ANDY LIVE IN EAST LA NOW. IF YOU HAVE NOT HEARD OF THAT LOOK IT
UP ON THE WWW.
11-1-03
Hey we are looking for a drummer. You need to want to tour incessantly and be
really good at the drums and be funny and nice. If you think you can do it email
horsetheband@angelfire.com. We are from Southern California. We don't mind if
you move here. If you are nice we can even give you a free place to live for a
month or so. Don't miss the greatest opportunity of your life, email us.
Our Halloween show was very funny and we got kicked off stage after they forced
us to put our pants on and stop throwing period balls that fell out of Martina
Navritilova's menstruating vaginal. Also Jesus was on hand and performed a miracle.
BE OUR DRUMMER
10-21-03
1. We are playing a show in 5 days. We are not going to play after that for a
long time, so come to it.
2. We are running out of merch. If you want something we have now, get it.
3. jensen@aol.com says: "i've listened to this band for a long time, and have
met them before. while i enjoy their music (though often sloppy and untight) -
personally, some of them are huge chodes. the keyboardist, though funny, is such
a shit-talking dickhead that it almost keeps me from ever enjoying their music
anymore."
9-23-03
WHAT UP, DOUCHE??? We're back from tour and today came out R. Borlax (celebrated
by French Canada as "A heinous, curved and thus straightforwardly jouissif and
essential disc!" - loose translation).
My eyes hurt so I'll leave it at this: New fucking awesome videos from
tour, a new merch page for you to order from starting now, a new R. Borlax review, new shows in California, and that's all. Many of us
are in the process of moving back to LA again and then we're gonna write new songs
and play some shows.
Oh, by the way, we took a lot of funny pictures of sluts and anals and women who
are so fat that they need an automatic wheelchair to move about the city and also
use an umbrella, and then combinations of the three with Andy in the background
or foreground, or a Tyrannosaurus, on tour, those are coming soon so check back.
Also I'm gonna put a bunch of new live pictures up on the site, if you have any
you want me to put up email them to me and I'll put your name by them! RIP $P-NUT$
8-5-03
CUTSMANIA is sweeping the Asian continent. You've probably heard Cutsman by now but if
not go listen to the #11 song on mp3.com. It's got something for the holes and
something for the poles. In your face
In other news we have a lot of new merchandise which you can buy on tour including
hats, 4 new shirt designs, frisbees, vegan microwave snacks, "show safe" rubber
spiked dog collars that look just like the real thing, and the return of "HORSE
the band, bith" (haha) shirt in an alternate color just to you losers who got
into us too late will be constantly reminded of how you just couldn't do it, again.
We're playing our last two shows in California for a while August 9th and 10th,
check the shows section for that happiness. The show on the 9th is Bleeding Kansas
first show back from their extended vacation so come to that one!
We need help on our tour in Florida, and maybe Chicago, and I think that's it. So
email us if you want to help. Actually even if it's not one of those cities email
us cause shows fall through every day. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
7-9-03
Dearest friends,
Today is the day for a very special announcement, we here at HORSE the band have
the special exclusive privilege of releasing the elusive recording "R. Borlax"
on Pluto Records!!!!! It will
be officially released September 23rd. We will have copies with us on tour. Isn't that weird?!
6-10-03
Tour is coming awesomely. We have two California shows coming up. Check the shows
section. Fisting shirts are coming!!
6-2-03
Help, us book our summer tour of 2003: our tour
5-27-03
pg 99 was insane and City of Caterpillar, Majority Rule, Darkest Hour, Crestfallen,
Pig Destroyer holy SHIT! We have a show coming up June 20 and maybe news about
a label. We are still looking for a drummer. Go to the shows section, email us
if you want to try out to be drummer.
5-21-03
If anyone happens to be going to the last 2 pg 99 shows ever this weekend come
and say hi to me. I will be there with a bunch of other crazy kids. Also today
is my birthday. I think we will have a release date for R. Borlax when I get back.
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News that is funny.
